OregonSalmon
12-30-2010, 06:20 PM
We have a free rag here on the North Coast called "Hip Fish". No freakin' fish reports in the damn thing! Figured I'd have to take on the task. Here is one of them. If Al Franken could do his Pat Robertson impersonation it would be funny.
Remember this is all in good fun.
"Pat Robertson Goes Fishing on a Peir in Federal Way Washington"
I'm Pat Robertson, a true believer and founder of the 700 Club. What does the 700 stand for? That's how many widows I bilked to start the club. Inside joke. I'm a Christian with a sense of humor. What does it really stand for? Don't know. I just pulled it out of my self-anoited godly ass.
I'm writing today to tell you about a trip I took to Federal Way, Washington State. Federal Way. Funny name for a town. Sounds like the government's iron fist going through your tax exempt status and stealing your airplanes then making you watch gay porn while converting you into Islam. Turns out it was just a city. A rightous caller told me I could do some of the lord's work there so I unloaded the diamond mining equipment from one of my fleet and headed West. I'd saved every qualified soul this side of the Mississipi except for New Orleans and New York City, but the Lord, bless his heart, took care of them.
It was time for me once again to bestow upon the unwashed the gift the Lord had given me: tolerance and forgiveness. I arrived at the peir at Dash Point only to be horrified. In violation of Leviticus 12:13 women were walking dogs without a male escort. Their attire violated too many chapters for me to quote. Let me just say scotch tape is not what the Lord intended women to clothe themselves. Then with some godly restraint, I noticed the men. There were people of all sorts of races co-mingling. Even my determined soul was shaken by this satanic Star Trek episode. Then, as if God was punishing me for not attending to my diamond minds, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed two men kissing. The water born wooden edifice was Soddom and Gemmorah on steriods. It was if all were drinking Gatorade tainted with Mark Maguire's urine. At this point the bagel in my stomach needed redemption so I bent over the railing to introduce the Judeo/Christian breakfast of champions into some Holy Water. The power of sin was too strong on the plank and before I know, satan gives me a wedgy and tosses me into the Sound.
When I awoke, I was on the beach, surround by a throng of lost souls. I just wanted off this beach of Beelzabob, so I popped up and tried to part the sea of the lost. My escape from the devil's grasp, almost complete, when a young woman with erect nipples, certainly caused by my presence, asked me if I'd like to thank the two men that saved me. Being known for my humility I replied "of course". Two men came forward with smiles. I recognized them. Yes, it was the two kissing. Then the crowd was all atwitter with their skill at performing mouth to mouth on me. I congratulated them on their skills, thanked them, then excused myself for I was late to call MY WIFE!!!!
On my trip to Washington, I felt I have let the Lord down. His work is far more expansive than I first thought. Without more contributions, I feel the souless sinners on the Sound walking the wicked wooden wand over the water will continue into a life dominated by pentegrams and fast food. Give today and we can stop satan's drive through of soul theivin' and child diabiates. Thank you and God Bless.
Remember this is all in good fun.
"Pat Robertson Goes Fishing on a Peir in Federal Way Washington"
I'm Pat Robertson, a true believer and founder of the 700 Club. What does the 700 stand for? That's how many widows I bilked to start the club. Inside joke. I'm a Christian with a sense of humor. What does it really stand for? Don't know. I just pulled it out of my self-anoited godly ass.
I'm writing today to tell you about a trip I took to Federal Way, Washington State. Federal Way. Funny name for a town. Sounds like the government's iron fist going through your tax exempt status and stealing your airplanes then making you watch gay porn while converting you into Islam. Turns out it was just a city. A rightous caller told me I could do some of the lord's work there so I unloaded the diamond mining equipment from one of my fleet and headed West. I'd saved every qualified soul this side of the Mississipi except for New Orleans and New York City, but the Lord, bless his heart, took care of them.
It was time for me once again to bestow upon the unwashed the gift the Lord had given me: tolerance and forgiveness. I arrived at the peir at Dash Point only to be horrified. In violation of Leviticus 12:13 women were walking dogs without a male escort. Their attire violated too many chapters for me to quote. Let me just say scotch tape is not what the Lord intended women to clothe themselves. Then with some godly restraint, I noticed the men. There were people of all sorts of races co-mingling. Even my determined soul was shaken by this satanic Star Trek episode. Then, as if God was punishing me for not attending to my diamond minds, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed two men kissing. The water born wooden edifice was Soddom and Gemmorah on steriods. It was if all were drinking Gatorade tainted with Mark Maguire's urine. At this point the bagel in my stomach needed redemption so I bent over the railing to introduce the Judeo/Christian breakfast of champions into some Holy Water. The power of sin was too strong on the plank and before I know, satan gives me a wedgy and tosses me into the Sound.
When I awoke, I was on the beach, surround by a throng of lost souls. I just wanted off this beach of Beelzabob, so I popped up and tried to part the sea of the lost. My escape from the devil's grasp, almost complete, when a young woman with erect nipples, certainly caused by my presence, asked me if I'd like to thank the two men that saved me. Being known for my humility I replied "of course". Two men came forward with smiles. I recognized them. Yes, it was the two kissing. Then the crowd was all atwitter with their skill at performing mouth to mouth on me. I congratulated them on their skills, thanked them, then excused myself for I was late to call MY WIFE!!!!
On my trip to Washington, I felt I have let the Lord down. His work is far more expansive than I first thought. Without more contributions, I feel the souless sinners on the Sound walking the wicked wooden wand over the water will continue into a life dominated by pentegrams and fast food. Give today and we can stop satan's drive through of soul theivin' and child diabiates. Thank you and God Bless.