How bout a seasonal joke....

[jbird]

Maggie and Thomas were spending a week in Moscow.

They were enjoying a stroll thru town on a particularly stormy day.

There was a mix of rain and snow falling on the ground as they walked.

They came upon a Russian Guard standing in a courtyard. They exchanged pleasantries and the guard introduced himself as Rudolph.

"Does it always snow like this here this time of year" Thomas asks Rudolph.

"No, dis is not snow, dis is rain" Replies Rudolph in a thick russian accent.

Maggie whispers to Thomas, "This is definitly snow, how could anybody think this is rain"...as the white slushy stuff came down harder.

Thomas says, "No, I agree with Rudolph, this is rain"

Maggie replies "Youre both crazy"

Thomas looks at Rudolph, then up to the raining/snowing sky and says to Maggie...

" I'm pretty sure Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

[Larry S]

Good one jbird -
and as the sheepherder said
"Fleece navidad."
Larry S

[mikel]

No!! No more reds!!!!

[Darian]

Pun intended.... :grin: :grin: :grin:

[Jeannie W.]

Pretty good! Needed the laugh!
Stay off those Reds!!!

[Scott V]

I never post anything negative, but that stunk worse than 5 day old russian cabbage.

[koffler]

Kind of a seasonal joke w/ a blend of what's in the media lately (Tiger Woods) - and I apologize if this offends anyone in advance since it's a family board.......

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's (ho, ho, ho)!

I can remove this post if it causes issues (personally, I found it to be funny).

[Hairstacker]

Koffler, at least that one was funnier than Jay's. :lol:

[jbird]

Bah! Humbug!!! :)

[WhipperSnapper]

Kind of a seasonal joke w/ a blend of what's in the media lately (Tiger Woods) - and I apologize if this offends anyone in advance since it's a family board.......

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's (ho, ho, ho)!

I can remove this post if it causes issues (personally, I found it to be funny).

Haha, and when will Tiger Woods stop?

[Mike O]

Haha, and when will Tiger Woods stop?

seemed like it took a fire hydrant and a tree last time...so who knows?

[mikel]

not exactly Christmas oriented, but very funny...-Mike

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home..

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[oldtrout]

I was on a business trip years ago in Minneapolis while there was a chess tournament in town. Several chess clubs were staying at the same hotel as I. I guess the tournament was done for the day because when I returned to the hotel after work several of the players where in the lobby recounting the day's events. They seemed to be having a good time, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying... Something like " when Joe move king's pawn two to king's pawn four I knew it was over." stuff like that.

Well to make a long story short... The guy behind the counter at the hotel seems to be getting upset and then even more upset about something. Finally, he came from behind the counter and told the gentlemen they would have to leave the lobby and go to their rooms.

Being chess players they all complied, but as they were heading to the elevators one of them stopped and ask the concierge what the problem was. Were they being too loud and boisterous?

The concierge replied that no, they weren't too loud, but he just couldn't abide...

chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[IronMtn]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Wow Frank, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new revealing nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[jbird]

OK Dang it! You provoked another one out of me....

Man brings home a parrot for a present for his wife. Wife says, "oh, how nice! Does he talk"

The parrot perks up and says " Hello, my names Chet"

Man says, "Thats not all, he sings Christmas songs when you hold a flame under his foot"

"What???"

man holds a lighter under Chets foot and the bird begins to sing "sleigh bells ring, are ya listnen..."

Man moves lighter to other foot, Chet sings "Ya better watch out, ya better not cry...'

Wife exclaims, thats amazing! What a great bird, as man inadvertantly lets the flame drift between Chets legs....

"Chets nuts roasting on an open fire!..."

[mikel]

"And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am."

Yep, mine said to pick between her and flyfishing...(everyone on the board knows the rest of that one)...I'll miss her.

[mikel]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.”

[Frank Alessio]

I thought he was "Cheeta Woods"

[WhipperSnapper]

I thought he was "Cheeta Woods"

Hahaha, nice.

[Black Cloud]

A panda walks into a cafe an orders a meal, as he was finishing the waiter comes over an puts a check on the table. The panda then pulls out a gun an shoots the waiter an then walks out the door. The owner seeing this, runs out the door and shouts at the panda " Hey, you just shot my waiter". The panda turns around an says " So, I'm a panda, go look it up". The owner goes back inside and gets out his dictionary and looks up panda an it says- Black and white bear,native to China,eats shoots and leaves.

[Frank Alessio]

Now that is Funny.....

[David Lee]

A few years back .....

Ed Wahl and I are up in the hills , chasin' those tiny trout Ed likes so much .

We're walking back to the truck and see an old ranch house set on the edge of a meadow - there's this elderly dude standing there on the porch watching the evening settle in with his old Bird Dog at his side , so we chat with him for a bit .

He invites us to stay a bit longer and have some supper - Ed and I agree and come on in to eat . The meal is really nice , and the conversation is great . Only problem is .... that damned old Dog is staring at me like I owe him money . The Dog is looking at me so intensely that both Ed and myself find it a little disturbing .....

Our host asks us how we like our dinner - we tell him it's quite good . All the while , Dog is burning a hole in me with his eyes . Unable to take it anymore .... Ed finally asks the old fellow "Does your Dog always stare at people like that "??

The old Rancher smiles and says "Only when they're eatin' off his favorite plate" -

David

(borrowed from Ed Zern)

[WhipperSnapper]

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

[Ed Wahl]

Ahhhhh, nice thread.

Just got off a 14 hr day of delivering liquor to people who mostly don't deserve it.

The last 3 hrs were spent delivering to low rent liquor stores in what Sac has for a ghetto. After dark. Looking over my shoulder constantly.

Nice way to unwind.

Thanks guys. =D>

Ed

[Black Cloud]

I received this Christmas card from a relative in Texas--

Dear Friends,
Thought you'd like to hear the latest from our family. Well, here it goes.

We've all been flossing regularly.

The newspaper landed in the bushes twice. But we got it out. Thank goodness Dad has those long arms.

They put a new gas station on the corner. It's the self-serve kind so there's been a lot of talk around town about it.

The other night we took the whole family to the pancake house for dinner. We all had pancakes, except for Mom. Se had a waffle. She's a free spirit, you know.

We're saving up to buy goldfish and can hardly wait. Pets are very exciting. And if not, you can flush them down the toilet.

Our kid finished his milk today. No one noticed we're using margarine instead of butter.

It's pretty cloudy here. Sometimes we watch TV. Other times we don't.

We may go shopping this weekend at the mall. There are forty-one stores there. So far we've been to twenty-eight. Thirteen to go. Unless they build more. They probably will. They always do.

That's about it for the big news.

It's been some heck of a year! How about you?